Another Bailout Inevitable

December 2008

(Washington)   Internationally known philanthropist Santa Claus made a surprise appearance before Congress today to request a massive loan to keep his workshop open, asserting that, without an immediate infusion of cash, "This may be the year without a Christmas."

Mr. Claus, age unknown, offered no specifics about how he would use the government funds, asking only that the Congressmen simply "believe in" him.

The reclusive Claus has adamantly refused to divulge details of how he pays for his worldwide charitable activities. As CEO, Claus reportedly takes no salary, accepting only voluntary gratuities in the form of "milk and cookies," which has raised concerns about his ties to the powerful dairy and sugar industries.

The proposal met a chilly reception on Capitol Hill, where members of both parties expressed skepticism about extending yet another multi-billion-dollar bailout.

Rep. Henry Waxman (D-California) peppered the so-called "Jolly Old Elf" with blunt questions. "How are we to believe that you can know who's naughty and who's nice," asked Waxman, "but you were unable to see this financial crisis coming?"

Waxman was further exasperated that, although Claus had come to the Capitol claiming poverty, he arrived in Washington via his own private sleigh.