Wednesday, January 14, 2009

New Jihad from Osama (Satire)

Al-Qaida chief Osama bin Laden urged Muslims to launch a jihad against Israel, the United States and, specifically, Tony's Pizza and condemned Arab governments as allies of the Jewish state in a new message aimed at harnessing anger in the Mideast over some missing pepperoni from a frozen pizza.

Bin Laden spoke in an audiotape posted Wednesday on Islamic militant Web sites where al-Qaida usually issues its messages. It was his first tape since May and came nearly three weeks after he opened a box of Tony's pepperoni pizza and found that the pizza had no pepperoni on it.

The al-Qaida leader also vowed that the terror network would open "new fronts" against all frozen pizza manufacturers in every non-muslim nation and their allies.

He said President-elect Barack Obama has received a "heavy inheritance" from George W. Bush — two wars and "the collapse of the economy," which he said will render the United States unable to sustain a long fight against the mujahedeen, or holy warriors, many of whom prefer Pizza Rolls to regular pizza.

"There is only one strong way to bring the return of pepperoni, and that is jihad in the path of God," bin Laden said in the 22-minute audiotape. "The duty is to urge people to jihad and to enlist the youth into jihad brigades."

"Islamic nation, you are capable of defeating the Zionist, anti-pepperoni and anti-pasto entity with your popular capabilities and your great hidden strength — spinach pizza!" bin Laden said.

Note: While the above article is satire, it makes about as much sense as the actual jihad the islamic fundamentalists are waging.

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